i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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