I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
