me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
