She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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