an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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