i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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