Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
