I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize