I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
