I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
