I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
