The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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