after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
