I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
They took my balls.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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