I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
