i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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