So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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