Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
