A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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