When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
