y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
