why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
