so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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