New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
