i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
