i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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