wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
jump out the window naked night went bad
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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