three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Alive.
So much puke
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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