Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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