I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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