I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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