If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I am one with the molecules
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
