id be glad to
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
