I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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