i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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