Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
