I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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