genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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