I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I need to sanitize my soul.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
