Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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