Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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