I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
