At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
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I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
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In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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