never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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