you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
