I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
