Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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