I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
