Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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