I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
