um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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