we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
