Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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