so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
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There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
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Someone stole a lamp last night.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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