cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
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You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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