so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There r osticjed everywhere
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
