Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
