I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
