just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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