I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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