when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
