I could make wine with my vomit
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Panties = found
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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