so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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