Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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